The day I almost died

It's been nearly five months since my cardiac arrest.

That Sunday was a beautiful summer day. Hot but beautiful. We didn't have any plans and were all in the mood to have fun. We decided on a family bike ride to the grocery store - about 2 miles away - and picked up lunch and drinks. We made a picnic at a nearby park and played in the shade before packing up and riding home. We cooled off at home with a water balloon fight in the backyard. I remember the squeals of laughter as we all got drenched and sprayed each other with water guns. It really was a beautiful day. 

Favorite summer memories with my family 

Exhausted, we all came inside the house to rest. The girls went to their rooms for quiet time (reading, playing dolls, nap, etc..) while Matt and I had a cold drink and started a board game on the living room floor. We had just gotten an expansion pack for Carcassonne, a tile-laying board game, and were learning how to play the new pieces that day. About half way through the game I unexpectedly fell to the ground, passed out, falling into what we later learned was cardiac arrest and that is where the day ended for me. Had that been my last day on earth, I would have been happy - spending the day with my family doing some of our favorite things together. I look back on August 4th with happy memories because that is what I remember. 

Everyone else... well, I'm sure they don't have as happy memories of that day. Matt had no clue what happened, just that I said I didn't feel good before passing out, but he knew something was majorly wrong and started CPR right away. He yelled for Chelsea to get the neighbors for help, then called 911. My neighbor Dani, an oncology nurse, rushed in the house and jumped right in helping Matt with CPR and speaking with 911. Firefighters and an ambulance were dispatched to our house and arrived soon after. Angel, a local firefighter EMT, used an external defibrillator to shock my heart and restore its normal rhythm. Then I was loaded up into the ambulance and taken to the ER.

Matt had the difficult task of calling our family to let them know what was happening. Friends helped out with the kids so Matt could meet me at the ER. I was evidently brought into the ER and intubated and doctors began running tests to figure out what happened and what was needed next.

On Monday, still intubated, I remember waking up completely scared and confused. I had no clue what had happened or why I was in the hospital. I couldn't talk or move (I was restrained to keep me from pulling out the tubes) but Matt was there and that meant everything. He gave me paper to write on and I asked all the questions "What happened" "Where are the girls" "Am I ok?". As I wrote on the paper I could see that I had already asked all these questions before. My handwriting scrawled across the paper telling me that I had woken up before, asked all these questions, passed back out, and completely forgotten everything again. And that realization was terrifying. What WAS wrong with me?

As I was moved into the ICU, the next few days are a blur. I was hooked up to ALL the machines and the doctors were still running tests. I remember family coming and going but I was stuck in the bed 24/7 and feel like I slept most of the time. On Wednesday I was transferred by ambulance to another hospital to have an AICD surgically implanted. (An AICD is an Automatic Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator, a small machine implanted in my chest and hooked to my heart, able to restore normal function to my heart should it be needed.)

I was told that I had gone into Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA), caused by erratic, disorganized firing of impulses from the ventricles - an arrhythmia called ventricular fibrillation. When this occurs, the heart cannot pump blood and death can occur within minutes if not treated. Read that again. Death in minutes if not treated. So, if this had happened to me on Saturday while I was home alone with the kids, or while I was driving, or in any of a million other situations, I would most likely have died. If Matt hadn't known CPR, if he hadn't been home and by my side, if he didn't jump right in to save me, this would be a different story. Statistics estimate that less than 6% of SCAs survive, and of those who receive EMS, only 1-in-10 survive. Eek. Those were not good odds. SCA is the third leading cause of death in the U.S.

You might be wondering what causes sudden cardiac arrest and why it happened to me. I know I wanted those answers. First off, sudden cardiac arrest is NOT a heart attack. A heart attack occurs when there is a blockage in one or more arteries of the heart, what I heard called a plumbing problem. Cardiac arrest is an electrical problem, resulting from a disturbance in the electrical activity of the heart that causes it to stop beating. SCA can happen to healthy people of all ages and may be the first indication of a heart problem.

So, I had an electrical problem with my heart that caused me to go into cardiac arrest. Still vague, right? What caused the electrical problem? Well, the doctors didn't know and could not find any treatable cause for what happened, therefore, I needed the AICD. So, I had the device surgically implanted on Wednesday and was taken back to my local hospital and ICU room following the procedure to recover.

Thursday. I was awake and aware and able to text and call people who'd been asking about me. It was also the first day of school. I was SO bummed to miss taking Brooke to her first day of kindergarten and Chelsea to her first day of 2nd grade. Matt left me long enough to take the girls to school before rushing back. I had asked him not to bring the girls to the hospital to see me - I didn't want to scare them with all the machines hooked up to me - so I hadn't seen them in days and oh man did I miss them.

My beauties the first week of school. 

I was slowly taken off all the machines and a physical therapist got me out of bed to walk - FINALLY! My legs were swollen from being in bed and I wanted so badly to get out of the ICU. By Friday, I was given the OK to go home.

Before leaving the ICU on Friday, using the blanket to hide all the machines. 

Being home was a blessing. The house was covered in fresh flowers and other get-well gifts and our sweet friends had set up a food delivery for every other day. Our parents had spent the week at our house with the girls, keeping their routine as normal as possible, and helping with all the cleaning and shopping and back-to-school craziness. It was so nice to come home and feel all the love and thoughtfulness everyone had put in to making my recovery at home smoother. And the best part was seeing my beautiful daughters again. Still happy and smiling and gushing about kid stuff like before.

I wasn't able to do much once home- the AICD surgery site had to heal which meant I couldn't lift my left arm higher than my shoulder - It hurt so bad I didn't want to move my arm at all anyway. I was also recovering from rib fractures sustained during CPR and had trouble breathing deeply or walking very far, so it was near bed-rest status and I hated it. I wanted so badly to feel like myself and do normal things - laundry, walk the kids to school, make lunch, etc... but instead I found myself sitting and talking and watching movies.

Unfortunately, by Sunday it became clear that a return trip to the hospital was needed. After brief exertions I would find myself seeing stars, dizzy, with chest pains and headaches. I absolutely did NOT want to go to the ER but off we went. The ER staff remembered me and quickly began running more tests - blood work, EKGs and later CTs and ultrasounds. They determined I had a pulmonary embolism (a blockage in one of the pulmonary arteries of my lungs) likely caused by a blood clot that had traveled to my lungs from my legs as a result of being trapped in the hospital bed for so long. Ugh!

I cried so much that night. The quiet, can't stop them tears that just fall and fall. I was seriously traumatized by the hospital at that point and could not bear the thought of another night trapped in bed, hooked up to machines. The nurses took pity on me and helped me get a single room (thank you nurses!!), but I was still admitted for what I was told was at least the next 2-3 days while they started me on blood thinners. My body was so sore and damaged from all the tests, IVs, and the surgery. I could barely sleep that night as I hurt so bad and was so tired and defeated by everything that was wrong with me. It felt like my life would be spent in a never-ending series of hospital visits and unknown answers.

The next morning, I met with several doctors and was given the option of an OTC blood thinner that would allow me to leave the hospital that day. YES, YES, YES! Several hours later, I was discharged and prayed I would not have to return.

Over the next few weeks I slowly increased my activity and allowed my surgical incision to heal. I was forbidden from driving and given a machine that reads my AICD and sends data back to the hospital. By mid-September I was released back to modified work and spent the next few months working 100% from home. While I am grateful that my employer agreed to this accommodation, I would not ever work that schedule again. In October, the stress from work expectations was so high that my AICD went into action and paced me out of tachycardia on two separate occasions. As a result, my cardiologist had me wear a heart monitor 24/7 for 11 days.

While small, the heart monitor was placed directly above my pacemaker making it quite uncomfortable. It was fixed to my body with super strength tape and I was given instructions to note any time I felt my heart racing or otherwise acting abnormal. The goal was for the heart monitor to capture any incidents to more accurately inform doctors where the irregularities in my heart were coming from. With continued work stress, I had another incident of tachycardia (and pacing from my AICD) while wearing the heart monitor. So, I sent in the monitor and waited for the results.

My cardiologist believes I may have SVT, or supraventricular tachycardia. This is an abnormally fast heart rate caused when the electrical impulses that coordinate heartbeats do not work properly. In my case, stress is likely the trigger for my episodes of SVT. This condition is quite common and usually not life-threatening. While we are unable to determine what exactly caused my SCA, it is possible that it was a severe episode of SVT. For now, my doctor adjusted my medication and the thresholds of my AICD pacing and I have been working on not letting people (or work) stress me.

My loves - their smiling faces remind me how precious every day is.

Prior to my accident (as I refer to it most days), I was under extreme stress. I did not publicly share that stress, but plan to at some point in complete detail. In short, I was sexually harassed by my boss. Over the span of several months, his actions worsened and I began to withdraw from things I enjoyed and blamed myself for his behavior. As a result, I limited my social media presence and took a step back from many relationships.

I worked up the courage to file a complaint at work but that only led to increased stress. My male-dominated work environment did not support me and I was forced to continue working with my harasser. At the time of my accident there was an active investigation where I had to continually re-live what happened, defend my own behavior, and tip-toe around him while at work. While the investigation has since wrapped up, my complaints having been substantiated and the harasser fired (well, probably resigned pending termination), I still carry around the weight of that trauma. It hurts and haunts me more than the SCA but I am able to move on, albeit more tentative and less trusting than ever.

I took this selfie in late October - so proud of myself for being strong enough to walk to school to pick up the girls. 

Today, I am feeling good. While I will likely never swing across a monkey-bars or perform other arm-stretching actives, I can finally reach above my head again. I can carry my sweet daughters and ride a bike again. I can breathe deeply, take long walks, and lay on my stomach. I can hug my sweet, loving husband. I have a future and a life of limited restrictions ahead of me. My course has forever changed, but with my belief in everything happening for a reason, I know I will come out of this a better person.